Porcelain curtains

Abstract

My grandmother was a paranoid schizophrenic who lived without medication for over fifty years. Her first mental breakdown happened at age 36. My grandmother was an immigrant's daughter and WWII Japanese code breaker turned 1950s housewife. She received her bachelor's and master's degree before settling down to raise five kids. One day she woke up hearing voices. She lived with these voices for the rest of her life, building physical and mental boundaries between herself and the world. In some ways, her life unraveled little by little. In other ways, she lived happily to 89-years-old. I'm 28. As I trudge towards the age when my grandmother first heard voices, I grapple with the elaborate façade of normalcy she constructed to protect herself and her family. In doing so, my grandmother shut out even those she was closest to. This memoir is my journey to understand this woman, first through my own experience with her, then through my mother's and aunts' experience, and finally through my grandmother's own experience. I wrestle with themes of isolation, mental illness, intimacy, protection, inheritance, family, success, and acceptance. Ultimately, I search for what it is about her life that terrifies me.